


A Love in Three Chapters

by pinkbyproxy



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), jenlisa - Fandom
Genre: F/F, blackpink - Freeform, jenlisa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-11 21:16:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20552816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkbyproxy/pseuds/pinkbyproxy
Summary: Years after Blackpink disbanded, Lisa Manoban is unwittingly introduced to Jennie Kim in a small underground music event the latter was curating in Bobigny, about 15 kms away from the heart of Paris. They say Paris is the best place to fall in love - but what happens when you meet again years after you fell apart from the only love you've known your whole life?The story is inspired by the song "Your Ex Lover is Dead" by Stars.A Love in Three Chapters - story ported from Twitter: https://twitter.com/pinkbyproxy/status/1165956377119821825?s=20NOTE: This is the text version that is currently being simultaneously updated over at Twitter, Ao3, AFF and Wattpad under the username PINKBYPROXY





	1. Chapter 1.1

L'ÉPISODE 1:

** _ God that was strange to see you again _ **

** _ Introduced by a friend of a friend _ **

** _ Smiled and said “Yes, I think we’ve met before,” _ **

** _ In an instant it started to pour _ **

For a summer night, the Parisian air was oddly crisp, burning a little through Lisa’s cheeks. It reminded her a bit of what she missed in Seoul when she looked forward to the start of the winter, back when she was much more constant in the country. She was glad she brought her wool-blend coat, and hoped, as she hurriedly put it on while walking behind Hannelore on a barely lit street after alighting the cab, that wherever the latter is bringing her would be somewhere warmer.

Hannelore couldn’t stop yapping about this place in Bobigny – a good 15kms away from Lisa’s hotel in the Paris Centre – that’s supposedly one of the hippest new sites for underground music and art, whatever that meant. God knows what “hip” means; being 32 years old your standards of “hip” changes drastically and often lately Lisa finds that for her it meant places that serve good food and quiet enough to hold a conversation.

“But you have to see this, Lisa,” Hannelore enthused when she showed hesitation to her suggestion. “The collective attracts quite a few of the better names in the underground scene, so it’s definitely a good Parisian experience for you. Lots of beautiful faces, too.”

“I’m not sure I care for the beautiful faces anymore, H.” Lisa gingerly responded. Hannelore is a friend from London whom she met when she did an art stint in Thailand, collaborating with Lisa on a brand that she wanted to launch. She loved Hannelore’s energy then, but working and going out in Paris isn’t exactly the same, Lisa noted to herself.

To be honest, when she decided to visit Paris she was hoping for a slow itinerary, one that mostly consisted of afternoon baguettes and coffee, apart from meeting a few other stakeholders and key collaborators for her latest projects. It has been a busy 4 days so far since she landed and felt she has already done her due diligence in terms of Parisian research, having gone out to key events and making sure her name is on every news outlet that covered the scene. She is after all still the face of her brand, despite taking a backseat and handling now only 60% of the creative helm.

So when Hannelore gushed about a “collective underground DJ scene” she wasn’t as enthused; after all parties for her are work and if she has to choose, she’d rather rest off her Saturday night instead.

“Don’t be an old hag, Lis.” Hannelore insisted. “Besides, I think you will quite like the place. It has a certain…” Hannelore paused and waved her right hand around for that French effect “…_je ne sais quoi_.”

“Pretty sure your _je ne sais quoi_is not the same as the French’s _je ne sais quoi.”_Lisa retorted. Hannelore just rolled her eyes at her.

_ Je ne sais quoi _was definitely not what she had in mind when the two arrived at the destination – the place looked like an old barren building with poor soundproofing. The entrance was littered by seemingly wasted high profiled looking twenty-somethings, with the girls looking like they were in a certain generation uniform with their black boots, heavy eyeliners, and Chanel shirts. It reminded her of her early Balenciaga days, trying so hard to fit into a certain mould, but nowadays she couldn’t be bothered. She doesn’t particularly stand out on the white sheer cotton round neck cut-offs she wore with her slim fit faux leather pants, but Lisa being Lisa she still managed to turn heads around. She would like to think she aged pretty well; she’s still after all regarded as one of the top faces in modelling in Thailand, if not in Asia.

Hannelore pulled her hand and guided her into the building, where the relatively barren space showed more promise inside. The place was sectioned effectively to showcase various art pieces, with some sections at the back hosting antique paintings while some showed a more nouveau art; on one side a live DJ set is blaring lo-fi beats in the dark, with people milling about and heads moving to the music. It felt more like a Berlin rave scene if not for the idea of mixing it with the art displays, thought Lisa, which she admits is quite creative. It looks like the drink of choice tonight is champagne, with most girls holding their tall glasses deliberately like some sort of trophy for the night, while the boys were ungraceful with their half-empty beer bottles.

“I’ll get you some scotch,” Hannelore shouted into her ear, then disappeared into the crowd. Lisa managed a weak nod and looked around, trying to find some common faces, but with the proximity of the DJ she started getting annoyed and moved towards the quieter section of the building.

A gaggle of Parisian girls emerged from one of the exhibit rooms, and Lisa thought to seek solace inside as it seemed quiet enough. She found a long couch in front of one of the portraits and sat there, staring at the painting blankly and disregarding the other people milling about.

She was tired. She recognized that, but she wondered where it came from. She used to have a much more infinite source of energy when she was younger, now she wondered how a mere decade has turned her old.

She’ll be flying back to Thailand tomorrow night, and while she feels she has done quite a lot on this trip, Paris has a certain way of making her feel…unwelcome. Don’t get her wrong: she loves the regality of it. But it felt like this place belonged to someone else – maybe anyone else – other than her. She was after all more of a Balenciaga girl growing up than a Chanel. Or maybe Paris reminded her of –

“There you are,” She heard Hannelore’s voice break her thoughts. She didn’t bother looking at her anymore and continued to stare at the painting. She liked Hannelore but to be honest her energy is quite tiring. Lisa always feels like it’s a bout of boxing – she needs to rest for every round of conversation. “I got you this neat scotch. They have whiskey stones here so I thought you might like it more than ice.”

Hannelore handed her the glass. Lisa appreciatively reached for it when she saw that someone was standing beside Hannelore, someone whose face she hasn’t seen in quite a while.

Her.


	2. Chapter 1.2

“By the way,” Hannelore chirped, “I just met this beautiful lady through Armand. She curated this amazing party for tonight. She’s from Seoul too, would you believe?”

Hannelore motioned to a petite woman whose eyes regarded her playfully. The former was obviously lost in whatever inside joke that’s happening between them at the moment, but Lisa didn’t dare correct her anymore. “Her name is Jennie Kim. I thought it would be good to introduce the two of you seeing you have arts and Seoul in common. Jennie, this is my good friend Lisa Manoban, founder of LMLabel.”

Jennie slowly broke into a playful grin. “Yes, I think we’ve met before,” She extended her hand to Lisa, whose poker face was getting harder and harder to maintain. She reached for her outstretched hand.

“Lisa. Nice to meet you again.” Jennie broke into her gummy smile and Lisa broke character, smiling widely as well.

Hannelore didn’t seem to catch on much to what was happening. “Ah, small world. I guess you’ve met each other back in Seoul?”

“You could say that,” Jennie deadpanned. Lisa nodded.

“Yeah, we met in Seoul.”

“Ah,” Hannelore commented, sucking a bit of air through her teeth as a distraction when she ran out of things to say. But like the puppy that she is, she found something else interesting that caught her eye. “Hey, that’s Enid. Wait, let me leave you girls to catch up. Let me say hi.” And she ran off to the other side of the building shouting Enid’s name, leaving Jennie and Lisa in the old art wing. She looked at Jennie for a beat then tentatively opened her arms, offering a hug. Jennie slowly moulded herself into that space, like she always used to years ago.

Years ago. Lisa may have forgotten a lot from years ago, but the feeling of wrapping Jennie in her arms was definitely not one of them. Especially how Lisa suits into the small curves of Jennie’s body, how Jennie fits exactly near her neck when she nestles her head there, how Jennie’s arms wrap her completely. Lisa remembered always thinking about how it felt perfect, those hugs were. They both stood there and embraced each other for a long time trying to make up for the years they haven’t seen each other, never mind that there were other people in the room as well.

“It’s been too long,” Jennie’s muffled voice on Lisa’s chest finally broke Lisa’s reverie, although she still hasn’t budged. She’s trying to maximize this moment as much as she can. “How have you been?”

Jennie pushed her self away for a bit to look at Lisa’s face as the latter sighed in slight frustration. She wished she didn’t have to let go.

“I’m well. Nothing much interesting happening.”

“So, Paris, huh?” Jennie moved away a bit more to look at Lisa, still not believing her eyes. “So weird seeing you here. And in my event, too. How weird is that?”

“Yeah, that would be thanks to Hannelore. She…uh…was trying to look after a boring friend on a Saturday night.” Lisa motioned to herself and made a face. Jennie giggled.

“I take it she doesn’t know about your secret identity?” When Lisa furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, Jennie answered her own question. “Blackpink?”

“Ah, vaguely. When she met me I was already LMLabel and she’s not exactly into K-pop. Besides, we were already beyond K-pop expiry when that happened so I don’t expect anyone to even remember us anymore.”

“Touché.” Jennie conceded. “So. LMLabel, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s…uh…keeping me occupied lately.” Lisa started to sit down again in front of the canvas and Jennie followed suit. Lisa noted that Jennie has put in a small distance between them, but she chided herself after realizing she's been unrealistically hoping for a lot of familiar things to happen tonight since seeing Jennie again.

“Yeah, I heard about it. Congratulations.”

“Heard?” Lisa asked, taking a sip of her scotch. Quite a tall shot in her glass, she noted. Hannelore knew her well.

“Read.” Jennie corrected herself. “I keep tabs online.” She smiled like she just revealed an open secret.

Lisa grinned a little and let the scotch burn a bit on her tongue. She really didn’t want to stop staring at Jennie’s face but she’s worried about coming across as rude, so she tried to look around the blank walls when she could. Jennie didn’t seem embarrassed at all a bit, though, staring at Lisa intently. She reached for Lisa’s hair and stroked it fondly. “Your favourite hair colour is back.”

Lisa smiled a little. “Yeah, there’s no one to please at the moment, so it’s back to ash brown.”

“You mean the fans, right? I know you hated all the colours the stylists insisted on you.”

Lisa wanted to say she meant when Jennie liked her hair coloured lightly, but she stopped herself. Jennie didn’t really need to know.

“How long has it been?”

Five years, Lisa thought to herself. Three since I last saw you, five since we broke it off.


	3. Chapter 1.3

“Three, I think,” Jennie answered her own question. “Three years since the Blackpink 10-year anniversary. I haven’t been to Seoul since.” The last part almost a whispered realization for Jennie. Lisa remembered it well, of course. How does one really forget?

And how does one really start reminiscing something painful?

“How’s Chaeng and Chu?” Jennie asked quietly. They have a way of slowly transitioning into almost aching tones whenever they talk about the members…maybe because no one really looks back at their Blackpink times without the pain. “I haven’t really seen them for years. Jisoo and I have small catch-ups on KakaoTalk sometimes but they were few and far in between.”

“Yeah, distance does that to you.” Lisa mused. “I haven’t really been in touch so much either.”

“When was the last time you spoke to them?”

“Chaeng, I had a catch up with last year while I was in Seoul. She’s doing well, I think.” Lisa offered. “Especially since her cancer scare. But she’s a fighter, that one. She’s working on releasing her next album this year, I think.”

Jennie just nodded thoughtfully. Lisa continued.

“Chu is still doing dramas, I believe. I haven’t seen her this year as her shooting schedule became hectic, but we chat every once in a while. She did tell me that her brother got her another dog. I think she never quite moved on from Dalgom but at least she’s not alone.”

“How is Luca, by the way?”

“Not sure Luca got used to being the only cat in the house, to be honest. But my mom got a few new cats at home so Luca isn’t as lonely.”

Jennie bit on her lip hard for a bit, almost like trying to stop herself from crying. “I miss Leo a lot, actually.”

Lisa offered a sad smile. “I know, I miss him, too.”

Jennie nodded, then managed a small smile. “How about you? What’s that LMLabel about?”

Lisa paused and wondered where to begin. How long has it really been and where did it really all start? Obviously to everyone it was when Blackpink disbanded in 2023, 7 years after they debuted. But even before the breakup happened the group was plagued with ambitions that they couldn’t really handle: Rosé wanted her own music direction, Jisoo wanted more exposure to other things that the label never allowed her, Lisa wanted to venture into other creative things, while Jennie wanted to be her own brand. Closing their 6th year and realizing there were ambitions that were unmet, they thought about leaving their label but realized that they were better off apart. Their hiatus ran longer, and later on, they finally released their note to the press.

It wasn’t an easy decision to make. It was the most heart-breaking event to ever happen to Lisa and the girls, even more so to someone like Lisa who had to move from Thailand to make this dream happen. But later on, she found more and more opportunities offered to her in Bangkok, that moving from the cold region of South Korea to sunny Thailand just became a sensible decision. From there she exploited her creative tie-ups in Asia, flying constantly from Bangkok to Japan, China, and South Korea – starting with dance collaborations and later on releasing her own line of clothing, which later on spurned into the lifestyle brand of LMLabel. The brand was a collaboration of multiple designers, much like a second-tier Vetements; and to be honest she’s comfortable with being a second-tier Vetements if that meant being first-tier in Asia, particularly in South Korea, Thailand, and Japan, where they had a huge selling power.

Lisa shrugged. She wasn’t sure what to share, thinking that Jennie has already probably googled about her brand.

“Couldn’t you have come up with a better name?” Jennie chuckled. “LM. Lisa Manoban. I mean, come on. Not very obvious, is it?”

“You’ll be surprised. It isn’t really about my name.”

“Oh? Because I wouldn’t have guessed.” Jennie laughed. Lisa managed to chuckle with her.

“No, the LM actually stands for La Marguerite. It’s just a play on my name, I suppose.”

“La Marguerite,” Jennie repeated, her brows furrowing. “You mean Daisy in French?”

“Yeah.” Lisa looked straight into Jennie’s eyes. “Your favourite flower.”


	4. Chapter 2.1

**L'ÉPISODE 2:**

** _ Captured a taxi despite all the rain _ **

** _ We drove in silence across Pont Champlain _ **

** _ And all of the time you thought I was sad _ **

** _ I was trying to remember your name _ **

Jennie remained quiet but studied Lisa while her face was showing various messages that her eyes couldn't fully communicate. How do you really react when you hear your ex-girlfriend say she named her business venture over something that you both exclusively used to use to show affection to each other? 

You don't. You just feel. 

The situation with Lisa is something no one will fully understand, but Jennie simply puts like this: she was her first real love. There may be a lot of things that have happened in between, but no one can deny that they have spent a huge chunk of their childhood just being with each other. In fact, and maybe perhaps even Lisa will attest, that a huge part of her has been influenced by Lisa as much as she has influenced their maknae. Lisa probably absorbed the most from everyone as she tried to quickly adapt when she moved to South Korea: there's undeniably a little bit of Jisoo and a little bit of Chaeng in her. This means even after some years of being apart they never really got to outgrow each other, and this is especially true of Jennie and Lisa.

So when your first real love gives you crumbs like this - her practically telling you she named her business after you despite the fact that you've decided to separate 5 years ago and despite having lived separate lives since, you DO NOT do anything about it. You DON’T ask questions. You just take it all in, Jennie told herself. 

It was Lisa's turn to pry. 'How have you been' sounded like a very innocent question, but it felt like a loaded Pandora's box for Jennie. Which parts should she tell? Which parts should she leave out? Which parts are Lisa aware of? It must have taken her a good 3 minutes to stall before she came up with a small "I'm well," to which Lisa laughed. 

"Pregnant pause and you just went with 'I'm well.' You haven't changed much, Nini."

Nini. It's also been a long time since someone has called her that. She has always been Jen, Jennie or Jennifer to everyone, but have been a Nini to only one. Of course, the fans loved calling her that before, but it never is quite the same as someone calling you with a name that is full of so much history, of so much endearment, of so much meaning. Jennie felt a lump of emotions forming that she tried to swallow but her throat has been coming up dry. 

"You arrange events like this now?" Lisa prodded. "I wasn't very impressed with the exterior but it's a surprising experience inside, indeed." 

"No, this location is a one-off. You know how Paris can be expensive so I work with a collective who would scout abandoned or cheap warehouses near the metro where we can hold bigger events without the premium. It goes with the vibe, too. Everything here is mobile, we just make sure the area is sustainable for the next few hours." Jennie explained. "I helped here because I have a contact who wanted to include the art show in the event. I normally let the others curate." 

"Do you not work with Chanel anymore?" 

"I do, but only on collaborations. It's part of the brand I maintain as well; I'm more involved now in the creative collaborations, at least for Paris. They still tap me for Seoul FW or other South Korean influences as a consultant."

"Yeah, I noticed you haven't released a new line since 4 years ago." 

"To be honest that was just a thank you to my mother - just something to appease her that her daughter has a line with her favourite brand. She has let me do what I wanted since." 

Lisa nodded thoughtfully. "Sounds like a relief." 

Jennie shrugged. "I get more freedom now and living in France. She hates it of course, but I think she knows I'm done with Korea." 

"So you're not planning to move back at all anymore?" Lisa asked, but almost like a whisper she didn’t mean to escape.

"I have applied for a permanent residency." 

Lisa almost wanted to say that it's not the same thing, but she kept quiet. She knew Jennie aspired to be a bigger name in France, but she didn't realize Jennie might push through with plans to really want to permanently leave South Korea.

Or maybe because Lisa remembers it differently back then. 

It was sometime here that she felt there was a building pain near her chest that she couldn't fathom. She didn't really want to be here anymore.

"Jennie, I think I have to go." Lisa mumbled. Normally anyone would have a hard time picking it up, but Jennie being attuned to Lisa's mannerisms, she knew exactly what she said and what it meant.

"Listen, I have to leave as well," Jennie told her. It was a lie, but we're not exactly spewing truths tonight, are we? "Why don't we share a cab?"

Lisa just nodded. Jennie stood up and looked around. "What about your friend?"

"Who?"

"The...girl. The...uhm...easily distracted one."

"Oh. Hannelore. Yeah, I'll just SMS her. She'll be happier to be left alone." Jennie nodded and offered her hand, which Lisa accepted. They then started to weave through the crowd.

Lisa, for all the times she told herself tonight since seeing Jennie Kim that she should not slip into the familiar, could not help herself when she finally delved into her own pot of emotional torture moments after Jennie held her hand and pulled her away like she used to. 5 years. For 5 years, it was a process of rebuilding herself and trying to move on from what she remembered almost her whole life, and yet every time they touch, it was always an avalanche of old emotions she couldn't understand.

Jennie would be lying if she would say she never had those same thoughts the moment she grabbed Lisa's hand - it just felt like how she used to do it years ago when she would always assume the "unnie" despite being only a year older than their youngest member, where she would always try to lead Lisa by grabbing her hand and always being a few steps in front of her. Not a very impressive feat considering the towering height and length of Lisa’s legs, but for some reason, she never complained; it was a natural leadership they just assumed.

This is why Jennie could not help herself but remember in supercuts how it was exactly like then, when--

_ \- she was 16. She saw Lisa sitting alone in one of the chairs weeks after being introduced and Lisa being the lost puppy that she was, Jennie held her hand to assure her everything will be okay _

_ _

_ \- It was their debut at SBS Inkigayo, where Lisa panicked because she wasn't sure if she can lead the dance choreo and Jennie caught her eye and winked, blew a raspberry when no one was looking  _

_ _

_ \- When they were onstage in Seoul sometime in 2018 and Jennie was trying to push Lisa to speak more, and Lisa slipped and said I love you instead of thank you _

_ _

_ I love you. Instead of thank you. _

_ _

_ I love you. _

Jennie shook her head to free herself of the thoughts. She caught Cedric's eye once they got to the main event area and nodded, then motioned to the door. Cedric, being her right-hand guy, knew the signs. He will take over for the rest of the night.


	5. Chapter 2.2

It was pouring when they went outside. For a moment, Jennie was worried about not being able to catch a cab, but knowing Cedric, he would know what to do. He would have called her a cab by now.

"You don't have a driver? I'm surprised." Lisa half screamed into her ear in an effort to talk through the overpowering sounds of the rain, pointing out the obvious. Had she known it would rain maybe Jennie would have brought a driver in tow.

"I didn't know until what time I would be out. Besides, Bobigny is a relatively easy place to get to. Cabs are safe here." Jennie screamed back. 

They stood beside each other outside the entrance hall, the pouring rain filling in for their silence. It wasn't really awkward as much as simply, there was nothing to say at the moment. Jennie folded her arms in front of her, pretending to be cold but really just an old subconscious habit kicking in when she's starting to feel unsure. Lisa felt it and started to mimic her subconsciously, crossing her own arms through her coat.

Jennie offered a small smile while Lisa stood stiffly beside her. A few cars were already passing by and a few people milled near the entrance, but the space was mostly just occupied by the two of them. 

Such a huge space to hold all the unsaid things between them, to be honest, Jennie thought.

"You look good," Jennie tried to restart the conversation. Lisa just shrugged.

"Looks like Paris is taking good care of you as well. You look better than I remember."

Jennie doesn't know what to make of their dead-end discussions, but more so of Lisa's small compliments. She silently scolded herself for even feeling small butterflies and hoped for a distraction, which came sooner than she expected. She can already see a cab stopping in front of the building. "This is us," she confidently declared. Lisa wasn't sure entirely but followed suit. 

"Bonjour, monsieur. Déposez-moi au marais," Jennie ordered the driver after they've settled in, but paused and then looked at Lisa. "Where's your hotel again?"

"Pullman? The one over at Bercy," Lisa replied. Jennie went on to bark more orders at the driver in French. After the whole debacle, Jennie finally settled in, trying to catch her breath. "Your place is just about a few kilometres away from mine, but my place is closer so he will drop me off first and then he will go straight to your hotel. Is that okay?"

"Look, do you want to have maybe a nightcap?" Lisa offered. While she felt suffocated at the thought of going through old memories, she knew it's the last chance to maximize the time with Jennie before she leaves and sees her again in... what’s next, a decade? "It's been years, Jennie. I only have available time tonight as I fly off tomorrow."

Jennie hesitated for a bit. "I... can’t. I need to be home in a short while, too."

Lisa wanted to point out that she didn't seem like she was in a hurry earlier, but she stopped herself. She looked at Jennie's hand resting on the seat just beside her, and almost in instinct, she slowly touched Jennie's arm then wrapped her hand around her palm. 

Jennie held her breath. How do you manage your own supercut of painful events that just jumped out because of a touch of the hand?


	6. Chapter 2.3

"Please," Lisa whispered. Jennie looked at her with pain and conflict in her eyes, before she whispered, "Lalisa" then shook her head.

Lalisa. 

There are a lot of things Jennie would remember when she would hear Lisa's name, but no one has done it quite like how she remembered it. "This is Lalisa Manoban," she would remember YG introduce her, but what would always stand out is the memory of how the name escaped her own lips.

Lalisa.

In her life, she has never encountered anyone whose name sounds like a prayer. Every time Lisa’s name plays around Jennie’s lips, it's almost like a wish that escaped her tongue, a prayer to call Lisa back into her arms. And this became clearer especially when she went to Thailand and found herself fervently praying for a miracle like Lisa to save her from herself. The saving came in the form of how Jennie uttered Lisa’s name unto her skin deep in the night branding herself unto Lisa's body, on times when she would hear Lisa gasp or when Jennie would gasp her name into her lover’s mouth as she drowned in her kisses; how she whispers Lisa's name unto her chest hoping it reaches her heart; like a devotee trying to will the future to happen.

Lalisa.

Has no one figured out how sensual this name is? It seems she was cursed to live with this forever, having to bring this name unto the twists of her tongue and breathe it out with such longing that no one could ever replicate. Lalisa may be a common name to some, but it never was to Jennie; just playing with that name on her tongue already feels like an adventure.

And she hated it, although Lili was a name that they used and was hers and hers alone; but what she wouldn't give to breathe the name Lalisa again into her lips and every part of her skin while having her naked body beside her again.

"Lalisa..." Jennie started again. "I can't. I--"

"You won't," Lisa whispered knowingly, correcting her. She held Jennie's hand tighter. "I know."

"I just..."

"I know." Lisa, repeated. She didn't bother pushing further but remained squeezing Jennie's hand like her life depended on it.

Jennie was thankful she didn't have to explain, but a part of her almost wanted to. A part of her wanted to ask Lisa to keep pushing, a part of her wanted to ease back into that habit of fighting with her - anything to get her to understand the emotions she is harbouring. The truth is even after 5 years she wanted to understand again how it all started - or rather, how they started not fighting for each other, how they started to envision a life away from each other, how they started to accept that this might just be the path for them - growing old apart.

She just wanted to know how the end started.

Instead, perhaps much like how Jennie has dealt with Lisa in the last stages of their relationship, she stayed quiet and let her pride swell through. Except this time, Jennie is sure it's not really about pride anymore, but more of a feeling of resignation to what cards their fate has played them.

She slowly rested her head on Lisa's shoulders, then sadly listened to the raindrops on the roof of the cab slowly coming to a pause as their ride weaved through the Parisian traffic. She painfully wished that the cab ride won't be over soon. 

Sometimes, some endings are not explosive. They're just painful and inevitable.


	7. Chapter 3.1

** L'ÉPISODE 3: **

** **

** _ It's nothing but time and a face that you lose _ **

** _ I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose _ **

** _ I'll write you a postcard _ **

** _ I'll send you the news _ **

** _ From a house down the road from real love _ **

** _ Live through this, and you won't look back _ **

The car slowly pulled up in front of an old but regal complex. Lisa’s vaguely familiar of the place but she noted that the whole area looks expensive; she knew outright that this is Jennie’s area of residence. She knew Jennie wouldn’t settle for anything less. 

Jennie quickly shoved cash to the taxi driver, which Lisa automatically objected to. “No, that’s enough for the two of us, don’t worry. It’s the least I can do,” assured Jennie. She drew a long, laboured sigh. “Are you going to be okay?”

“No,” Lisa said after a few seconds. When she saw Jennie about to open her mouth, she hurriedly uttered, “I kid. Of course. I’ll be fine.”

Jennie held her hand and looked into her eyes. “I’m sorry. I miss you.”

“You’re sorry you miss me?”

Jennie forced a small chuckle. Lisa looked at her with so much longing, wondering when she will see her face again. Jennie, whose cheeks lost a bit of the roundness she used to carry around like both a burden and a trophy. Jennie, whose cat eyes always managed to get her way around her heart. Jennie, whom she thought she would care for and grow with, for the rest of her life. 

_ Kiss her _ , Lisa’s head screamed. _Kiss her and make everything right._

But just when she’s about to lean, Jennie went to open the door and left the cab.

Lisa defeatedly sat back, closing her eyes. This evening has rapidly declined like a car collision, and she felt incredibly useless. She was jolted by a sharp rap on the door, with Jennie motioning to open the window. Lisa took a second to understand what was happening through the raindrops as she pulled the glass down; she was taken aback when Jennie grabbed her face with two hands and kissed her. 

It was long enough to make Lisa feel like she was 22 again, back when Jennie used to cup her face whenever she needed to win arguments and when she’s throwing yet another tantrum. How Jennie manages to perfectly place her lips on the grooves of her lips is still a mystery to her, but it’s almost always like as if every kiss is perfect – Jennie’s lips falling softly on hers, then moving slowly to her lower lip, where she would start to lightly suck and nibble on them. It always drove her crazy, how Jennie manages to turn her on with just a nip of her lip, then finishing it with a small lick of her tongue, almost like the taste of Lisa's lips were never enough for Jennie she had to finish with a last lick. 

With Lisa’s face still cupped in her hands, Jennie breathed ‘I will never stop loving you’ on to her face, then she slowly let go. She uttered “Merci, monsieur” while walking slowly backward but without letting go of her stare. Jennie slowly raised her hand and waved a timid goodbye. 

This is insane, Lisa’s head is screaming as her taxi started to move. Don’t let her go.

But she sat back and heaved a sigh, looking blankly at the buildings outside. A few blocks after they hit a traffic light, and Lisa thought to look back, but Jennie was no longer there.

She looked at the traffic light and started counting to calm herself. 

** _ One _ ** . 

A few young adults were crossing, with two ladies falling behind. The other one paused to wait for the other and held out her hand, which the other excitedly grabbed. The latter then wrapped her arm on the other girl, much like a cat does to another. Much like how Jennie used to do to Lisa. 

The girls suddenly looked like a 22-year-old Jennie clinging to a 21-year-old Lisa, laughing as they cross the street.

** _ Two _ ** . 

And there, she saw 22-year-old Jennie look at her 21-year-old doppelganger with so much adoration, before slowly looking straight at her, inside the taxi. She heard Jennie’s 22-year-old voice in her head as she smiled at her:

_ “Shigan-I galsurok deo joahae (I like you more as time goes by)”  _

** _ Three _ ** . 

She focused again at the two girls and they now looked like a couple of regular Parisian kids. In a panic, Lisa looked at the traffic light that's just about to turn green.

“I’m sorry, monsieur, I’m sorry!” Lisa screamed before she opened her door quickly. She nearly hit the other car beside them and she could hear the driver cussing, and the car just behind them honking the horn out loud. She quickly weaved through the traffic and ran to the sidewalk, before breaking into a slow run back towards Jennie’s place.

And in an instant, all of the memories started to pour.


	8. Chapter 3.2

_ _ \-- _ _

_ Outside a 711 in Mapo-gu, 18-year-old Lisa was just finishing her cup noodles at 11:30 pm. Despite Rosé’s insistence that they shouldn’t be eating anything with too much carbohydrates and sodium, the two members secretly snuck outside of their dormitories and spent more time bonding in a convenience store despite practicing the whole day together. _

_ _

_ “I kinda missed you today,” Lisa mused to herself, almost like she’s not telling it to Jennie as much as she was just telling herself a fact. Jennie has stopped eating after she ate her noodles halfway; she has since laid her head on the table, her ears resting on her arms and staring at Lisa quietly. She grabbed Lisa’s ear and rubbed it fondly.  _

_ _

_ “I missed you, too.” She quietly acquiesced. “There’s so much work to do for the debut and I feel so tired as well but I also feel like we don’t get to spend time with each other even if we’re together the whole day.” _

_ _

_ Lisa just continued to slowly chew on her food while she looked at Jennie’s eyes. Her face was obviously tired and she knew the latter must have simply wanted to rest, but she obviously made an effort to go out and be with Lisa even if it was almost midnight. Lisa was thankful, of course. She always is. _

_ _

_ “Thanks for being with me here.” _

_ _

_ “Of course,” Jennie whispered. She gave Lisa a small smile. _

_ _

_ “Can we always try to do this even after we’ve debuted?” _

_ _

_ “You mean instant noodle runs?” _

_ _

_ “No,” Lisa moved her cup away to cross her arms on the table and lay her head on it to mimic Jennie. They stared at each other for a beat. “I meant making time for each other. Small comforts like this. No matter how much we get hectic.” _

_ _

_ Jennie reached for Lisa’s knee and gave a small comforting press, before sharing with Lisa a small smile. That was the most Jennie could do in public, Lisa knew, despite this yearning to kiss her instead. _

_ _

_ \-- _

_ _

_ A 19-year-old Lisa hugging Jennie tight, their naked bodies wrapped in each other. The younger member has slipped into Jennie’s room shortly after everyone has fallen asleep, which usually meant they both had to wait for some time and cost them a bit of sleep. _

_ _

_ “Will you love me always?” Jennie whispered unto Lisa’s chest. The latter kissed her forehead tenderly, then said, “Of course. I will never stop loving you.” _

_ _

_ \-- _

_ _

_ 21-year-old Jennie looking at Lisa while practicing in the dance room, where the latter kept making faces at her. Jennie moves towards her and dances a sexy dance while she clings to her neck, and they both laugh. Jennie sees YG at the corner of her eye looking sternly at them. Lisa saw Jennie roll her eyes and she automatically looked at her questioningly; Jennie bit her lip and secretly motioned to YG standing at the door scowling at them. _

_ _

_ Lisa knew Jennie hated it when they couldn’t be themselves even in closed-door practices like this, but Lisa herself wondered when can they ever really be themselves in this lifetime? _

_ _

_ \--_\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--_ _

Lisa found herself standing in front of Jennie’s building complex. She looked up, realizing she never got Jennie’s unit number. 

She was never one for impulsive decisions like they do in the movies. How does she even find her? Does she knock at every door? What is she going to do after she sees her again? What is she going to say?

What if she asks, why should they try again? What if she asks, why should she fight for her this time?

All the painful flashbacks came to Lisa once again. 

_ \--_\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--__\--_ _

_ _

_ A 26-year-old Lisa trying to reach for Jennie’s hand while they’re at a café in Hongdae. Jennie is about to leave the next day for Paris for a one-week business trip so the two have decided to go out for a quick brunch. Jennie pulls her hand away from hers.  _

_ _

_ “Don’t,” Jennie goes, “You know we’re still not in the clear. There might be people taking photos.” _

_ _

_ “I don’t care,” Lisa retorts. “Blackpink’s done, okay. Why do we need to be careful anymore?” _

_ _

_ “Don’t you get it, Lisa? We still have careers to build. One vessel might be lost, but we can’t ruin our solo careers either.” _

_ _

_ Lisa just looked at her silently as Jennie absentmindedly played with the crumbled piece of cake in front of them, deep in thought and worry of their futures.  _

_ _

_ _

_ \-- _

_ _

_ 28-year-old Jennie on the phone, trying to reach Lisa. She wouldn’t answer the phone. She leaves another SMS, telling her she still can’t go home as she’s stuck in the event. She tries to call again, but her mother taps her shoulder. _

_ _

_ “Focus here.” She sternly told her daughter.  _

_ _

_ “I am focused here,” Jennie answered acerbically. “You already have me here, don’t you?” _

_ _

_ “She won’t make you rich.” Her mother spat. “You need to focus on your brand. Get your head right.” _

_ _

_ Unknown to Jennie, Lisa answered the last call and heard their discussion. She ends the call and starts to keep the wine and started throwing the food she prepared at home. _

_ _

_ _

_ \-- _

_ _

_ 27-year-old Lisa hugging Jennie while they’re about to sleep. She plants small kisses on Jennie’s nape, but she starts to squirm a little.  _

_ _

_ “I’m a bit tired, sweetheart, maybe next time?” _

_ _

_ Lisa bit her lip so she could stop herself from talking back, but she’s getting really, really frustrated. Jennie has been constantly travelling and this is their only time together, and she’s here with her but still not here. _

_ _

_ “But we haven’t seen each other for a long time.” _

_ _

_ “I know, I’m sorry, but I’m just really, really tired.” Jennie is starting to slur her words. She’s in between falling asleep and keeping herself awake, Lisa can feel it. “Can we talk tomorrow?” _

_ _

_ “But I missed you,” Lisa whispered, but it failed to reach Jennie’s consciousness as she started to fall asleep. _

_ _

_ \--  _

_ _

_ 28-year-old Lisa just got back from Thailand. There are multiple offers on the table and she needs to decide on her future. Her brand is starting to pick up in Thailand as well, and she’s been getting more and more contacts from Japan for collaboration. But this would mean she needs to be in Thailand more. _

_ _

_ Jennie is not pleased, Lisa can see it. And she knows Jennie's been trying to be supportive.  _

_ _

_ “But I need to look after myself, too,” Lisa reasoned. “I may not get this next wave of opportunities again.” _

_ _

_ “But you’ll be in Thailand,” Jennie tried to explain as calmly as possible, but there was an obvious strain in her voice. “At least make South Korea your home base. At least come home to me. If we’re always coming home to Seoul at least we’ll be together at some point.” _

_ _

_ “Thailand’s not too far.” _

_ _

_ “THAILAND IS ANOTHER COUNTRY.” Jennie half screamed, then stopped herself. “Please. Just try to fly here as much as you can. Don’t move back to Thailand. Don’t move everything. Let’s make this relationship work.” _

_ _

_ “Really? Because it feels like you’ve always been leaving me. It’s always been your dreams,” Lisa shot back, unable to stop herself. She realized too late that she just opened a can of worms. _

_ _

_ “You know that’s not true. You know we both need to keep this lifestyle. You know we both need to do this to make it work.” _

_ _

_ “I only need you,” Lisa is almost pleading. “We just need to plan for both our relationship and a more tangible future.” _

_ _

_ “I thought we did,” Jennie explained, “Remember? We both had aspirations to grow. You can’t tell me you uprooted yourself from Thailand for your dreams to die after Blackpink. We have so much more we can achieve.” _

_ _

_ “Then let me go to Thailand.” Lisa choked on her words. “You said so yourself, we need to grow our ambitions. And since obviously, our love is not our priority.” _

_ _

_ “Please don’t do this,” Jennie pleaded. But Lisa’s mind is made up. _

_ _

_ \-- _

_ _

_ 29-year-old Jennie is lying on the bed with 28-year-old Lisa. The latter just flew back to visit South Korea after staying for 9 months in Thailand.  _

_ _

_ They’ve been hugging each other for a long time now without saying anything to each other. Lisa has started to smell different – perhaps the food and the atmosphere has changed her body chemistry. Suddenly she smelled a bit foreign, despite having a scent that still smells a bit familiar. Jennie is having a hard time adjusting. _

_ _

_ Jennie herself smells different, she feels, after flying in yesterday from Paris. She just finalized a few deals there and might have to fly in more often than usual, with a few collaborations in tow. They’re getting ready for a collaboration they’re releasing in a few months, and she only flew back to Korea for her mother’s birthday and to announce her upcoming Chanel collaboration. She was glad to find that Lisa was at home. _

_ _

_ “Nini,” Lisa slowly started, “I think we need to talk.” _

_ _

_ Jennie knows exactly what that phrase means. It never meant anything positive. _

_ _

_ “Are you already tired of us?” Jennie asked, this time earnestly. She didn’t want to plead but she just wanted to be truthful.  _

_ _

_ “I don’t know what we have.” _

_ _

_ “I thought we have each other.” _

_ _

_ Lisa sat up and Jennie followed suit. She knew she won't be able to avoid this anymore. “But we’re growing apart, Nini. This wasn’t how I envisioned us growing. You seem to have a different direction and I need to pave my own.” _

_ _

_ “But I thought we’re trying to make it work?” _

_ _

_ “I thought so, too,” Lisa whispered. She pulled Jennie around to face her. “But I don’t feel us trying to work a future that would intersect at some point. It feels like we’re running on parallel lines.” _

_ _

_ “But as long as we stay in South Korea, we can make it happen,” Jennie insisted. “At least we’re coming home to a country that’s our home.” _

_ _

_ “Do you really believe that?” Lisa asked earnestly. “Because South Korea will never accept us. You know that. I’ve asked you to move to Thailand, but you don’t want to live there with me. I know you’re keeping a career in France, but at some point, we need to consider our future.” _

_ _

_ “Why don’t you move to France with me?” _

_ _

_ “Honestly Jennie, do you really think that’s the answer? What am I going to do there? It’s not even part of the plan. You keep insisting on staying in South Korea, when did France factor in?” _

_ _

_ Jennie remained silent. Then she slowly uttered: “I don’t know.” _

_ _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ _

_ “I don’t know, okay? We’ve both been so preoccupied and spending so much time away from each other, I haven’t been thinking about us. And to be honest, I don’t know. I know I need to find a way to be successful and keep you, even if we’re always miles apart.” Jennie is crying now. “But I can’t feel you anymore. And I want to fight but I don’t know what that means for us.” _

_ _

_ Lisa was quiet, trying to think of a way to respond without hurting Jennie. "Maybe it’s time to let go of us.” She whispered. She wrapped her arms around Jennie and cradled her. _

_ _

_ “But how do I live without you?” Jennie cried on her chest. “Please don’t stop loving me.” _

_ _

_ “Always.” Lisa kissed her on the lips longingly, for the last time. But she knew nothing else can come out of this longing, no matter how much she tries. They are now in different places and different viewpoints, and they're both tired of hiding themselves and fighting for something they don't know. Love, to them, became less of a commitment and became more of just a remembrance. “You’re my first love.” _

_ _

_ They tried to make it as normal as possible over the next few days. Lisa flew back to Thailand after and tried to communicate sporadically, but it just was not enough. It never was enough.  _

_ _

_ Soon, it was finally over.  _

_ _

_ _

_ \-- _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final update this coming Friday - thank you for reading! :)


	9. Chapter 3.3

** _ There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave _ **

** _ You were what I wanted _ **

** _ I gave what I gave _ **

** _ I'm not sorry I met you _ **

** _ I'm not sorry it's over _ **

** _ I'm not sorry there's nothing to save _ **

** _ You’re my first love, _ ** the last words of her reverie escaped Lisa’s lips as well. She was brought back to the old regal looking building where she has been looking up at, moments ago.

Five years ago was the most painful time for Lisa, not just because she felt their relationship died a natural death without either of them really having the energy nor drive to fight for it, but because she also lost her best friend. For some years, she blamed Jennie more than she blamed herself. Maybe if Jennie gave her more time and worked less? Maybe if Jennie understood that South Korea was a second home but she felt suffocated every time she couldn’t touch Jennie in public? Maybe if Jennie recognized that Lisa wanted her to focus on their future together and not just their individual ambitions?

But as years passed and the more she saw less of Jennie, she realized that, even if they were each other’s first loves, maybe they weren’t mature enough to sustain that love then. They’ve grown up together barely leaving each other’s sides and didn’t know a world outside that bubble, so the moment they faced distance, they panicked and have mistaken the circumstance as lack of effort. They both wanted the other to give way but ultimately no one did.

Sometimes she wonders if Jennie also had these realizations. Sometimes she wonders if she is really more mature now to face the next chapter. Sometimes she wonders what would have happened if she acquiesced and followed Jennie. Would Lisa have had resentment for not realizing this future she now has or would she have found another way to make it happen?

She stood there for some time, looking for an answer. She did not exactly know what the question was. 

Lisa didn’t know what she wanted, but she knew she just needed to speak to Jennie again. She took out her phone and with slight haziness and panic, she tried to look for Jennie’s number but realized that the one she had was the one Jennie had from South Korea years ago. She’s not sure if this still works, but she tried anyway.

She cursed herself immediately after hearing the ‘number disconnected’ notification. She could almost say that the universe was conspiring against her, when she saw a shadow from one of the second-floor windows – it was Jennie walking towards what looks like one of the cabinets. Lisa held her breath – she missed looking at Jennie in her casual way around a room, when she’s calmer, when she's unassuming and intimate, when she’s—

Another shadow moves across the window, and this time, Lisa completely forgot to breathe - it became absolutely painful to allow air within. The silhouette of a woman moved closer to Jennie, wrapped her arms around her in a careful embrace and kissed her temples after Jennie nestled on her chest. They stayed there nuzzling for a bit, while Lisa stood outside dumbstruck, an unwitting audience to the muted words of what she imagined to be small reassurances exchanged behind the thick window glass pane. A small taunting tear dared to fall across her left cheek, as she exhaled short breaths and shook her head at the dark humour in this: where Jennie is inside a warm space and her confusion is cradled, Lisa stood outside and her screaming chaotic feelings were mirrored as her despair was being drowned by the Parisian street noise and traffic. She could have shrieked and they probably would have not heard her crying in desperation.

Lisa slowly felt her whole world collapse on her, choking her last gasp and weighing on her shoulders, rendering her numb. She realized that the universe was conspiring against her, indeed.

Her head was miserably competing with the world’s noise when she silently screamed: _That should have been me._

_ But it wasn’t Lisa holding her anymore.  _

There, standing more alone than she ever has been in her whole life, she was reminded why she kept trying to manage her emotions and stopping herself from chasing Jennie in the first place that night: that early this year, while she was having her usual short catch-ups with Jisoo, Lisa was dropped the update without much warning: _Jennie got engaged to that woman. She is moving to Paris with Jennie. _

“_Are you okay_?” Jisoo asked, calling when she didn’t reply. What else could she say? They have heard of this woman Jennie met shortly after their Blackpink reunion but they never really paid so much attention to; Jennie had a lot of dating rumours connected to her after all. They all thought things were moving too fast. They thought maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't work out. After all, Jennie and Lisa have been in a relationship for YEARS and look where that ended up.

But Lisa has also been too proud to reach out to Jennie the past few years, until it just came to a point that she has accepted things as they were. So when she heard Jennie got engaged, it was perhaps a tad bit too late. She just distracted herself and got busier and busier, and later on, she simply…thought she moved on. 

But that’s the problem with convincing yourself you’ve moved on – when you finally see them again in front of you, you are reminded why you’ve been so numb the whole time and tried to forget: because tonight, Jennie only needed to sit beside her and look at her longingly with those cat eyes and all the colours and warmth and pain and reminders of what could have been were resurrected, yet all Lisa could do was grimace and pretend that no, it did not hurt at all. It did not hurt at all when Jennie smiled that playful smile that she missed for more than 5 years; it did not hurt at all when Jennie told her about her life in Paris and conveniently left out the fact that she now has a fiancée; it did not hurt at all when Jennie told her she will now leave South Korea and permanently live in Paris, with Lisa knowing her fiancée did what Jennie fleetingly asked Lisa to do for her years ago: to move to Paris with her. She suffocated and she wanted to tear out her lungs and numb heart in the middle of that art gallery, but no, it did not hurt at all.

Because it definitely paled in comparison to seeing the truth in front of her now, standing on the sidewalk in the middle of Paris and feeling more lost than ever: that Jennie now has a new comfort that wasn’t her arms anymore, that this person had the courage to move with Jennie across the world to be with her and make it happen. Lisa is finally seeing…why she was the one worth leaving.

This…this is pain.

And no matter how much familiarity throughout the evening could bring her back, no matter how much reminiscing, no matter how much goodbye kisses, no matter how much romantic attempts to run back - none of these are ever bringing Jennie back. Because in the end, Lisa will again choose to pretend that these are the cards drawn for them. They would never admit to themselves that simply, if one of them chose to keep fighting for it, maybe they could have still been together - either in South Korea, in Thailand, or maybe France. 

She took one last glance and started to walk away, because she felt the energy starting to drain her and she did not know how else to deal with the reality of her emotions. She started walking all the way to her hotel, wishing she could stay and leave Paris at the same time. Wishing she could hate and love Paris at the same time.

See sometimes, some endings are not explosive. They’re just painful and inevitable - the inevitable being the result of something you just didn’t fight hard enough for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, thank you for reading! It's my first attempt to write a full text fanfic like this (I previously made a socmed AU one), so I sincerely hope you liked it, despite the theme being a little heartbreaking. 
> 
> I initially created this version for a visual format (see https://twitter.com/pinkbyproxy/status/1165956377119821825?s=20), so if you're keen to take a look, please feel free to click on the link.
> 
> If you have any comments, please drop them here!


End file.
